What We Stand For

Impunity
Our officers enjoy a proud tradition of consequence-free behavior. Drunk driving, evidence theft, assault, exploitation—these are not scandals, they are rites of passage. When caught, we respond swiftly with paid leave, sealed records, and statements emphasizing how “complex” the situation is.

Evidence as a Suggestion
Our evidence lockers double as a self-serve pantry. Drugs disappear. Cash evaporates. Body cam footage corrupts itself out of respect for the badge. Accountability is classified.

Moral Bankruptcy
When officers are arrested for crimes involving children, we remind the public that they are “fathers,” “pillars of the community,” and “under a lot of stress.” Victims are treated as unfortunate PR complications.

Transparency

We are extremely transparent—with ourselves.

Internal investigations are conducted internally, reviewed internally, and concluded internally. Findings are released only after public interest expires.

If you request records, expect delays, redactions, or the sudden loss of files that somehow worked perfectly yesterday.